Physical Education
by Adrian Tullberg
Summary: New P.E. Teacher arrives. A short crossover.
1. Chapter 1

Physical Education

by Adrian Tullberg

* * *

The sun rose, magnificently illuminating Hogwart's Quiddich Field in its golden embrace.

However, the majority opinion of the students gathered agreed it was too bloody early to appreciate such a view.

Being forced to wear thin white shorts and T-Shirts as well didn't improve the overall mood.

Harry Potter could feel his knees threatening to bang together. "I thought I escaped this, when I went to Hogwarts."

Hermione Granger was not in the mood for commiseration, bonding exercise or not. "The one class where the teachers called me 'useless' and it follows me."

"What's P.E., anyway?"

Harry and Hermione looked at Ron, then at each other. "Shall we break it to him gently?"

Hermione glanced at the unreasonably chirpy redhead. "He can have his innocence shattered like everybody else."

A figure bounded onto the field, stopping the muted chatter.

Harry noted that this was the first sign that this person was strange, even by Hogwarts standards.

No other teacher would wear a red-and-black spandex suit, covered in holsters, gun magazine straps, what looked like a sword on his back, and a red mask with two large black ovals covering the eyes and cheek areas.

Not to mention the t-shirt over the whole ensemble with the slogan :_ 'Killers Do It with a Really Big Gun! Then they Kill You!' _

The … person dropped a large gym bag on the ground beside him. The clanking sound of what appeared to be various pieces of metal inside wasn't reassuring.

Then he opened his mouth.

"Hi ho subjects of torture! I'm Wade Wilson, your gym coach, or as you freaks from England call it; your ..." he held up his fingers in a quote gesture "... Pee-Eee Teacher. You can call me Mr. Wilson, Deadpool, or 'Not the Face! Not the Face!'

Harry looked at Hermione. She looked just as worried as he felt.

"Now, I was ... persuaded to come here, when some **_STUPID FUCKWIT WHO DIDN'T TELL ME I WAS WHACKING A GODDAMN WIZARD_**!"

Harry tried to look as heterosexual as possible. This was important because Ron chose to squeal like a girl and jump into his arms at Deadpool's little outburst.

"... left me out to dry. However, I managed to negotiate a sort of work-release program over here showing mini-wizards not to be little butterballs like they are where normal people live."

"I thought we already filled our former-bad-teacher-trying-to-be-good quota …"

Deadpool's head swivelled towards Hermione.

"You should go to Xavier's when you hit Stateside honey. Then again, maybe I should have. Logan's cigar stash, the Professor's malt whiskey, and a ton of hot honeys over eighteen ...

"A mudblood?"

Harry rolled his eyes, not even bothering to look.

"I don't believe it ... we're being taught by a _mudblood_? "

Deadpool leaned over, head inches away from Harry. "Is Peroxide Bitch insulting me?"

"They're letting a mudblood on campus? The faculty?"

Harry decided on honesty. "Ah, yes ..."

"When my father ..."

Deadpool suddenly pointed to a point behind the students. "Look! Elvis!"

Despite the majority not knowing who Elvis was, everybody turned.

The anguished scream filling the still morning air a second later was a complete surprise.

Turning back, Draco was prone on the ground, holding his knee, while Deadpool was holding what appeared to be a crowbar behind his back.

"What, this?" Deadpool produced the crowbar as if it's presence was a complete mystery to him "It's ...a ... perfectly legitimate teaching aid, isn't it, blondie?"

"Please ... don't ..."

"It's called Tonya! Say hello Tonya!"

Deadpool held out the crowbar at his head level. The high-pitched, unconvincing girl's voice while moving the crowbar to simulate speaking was ratchetting up the overall tension.

"Hi kids! I'm Tonya, fresh from America's gold-winning skating rinks to Mr. Wilson's hand! I hope to have a really great time with you, because if you don't, Wade here is going to put me somewhere _really_ uncomfortable! So eat _lots_ of fibre for my sake!"

The PE teachersuddenly brought up the crowbar, shouting at the inanimate object. "DON'T YOU DARE RAT ME OUT YOU BITCH!"

Deadpool turned from the crowbar, seeming to register the confused and frightened faces of his students for the first time.

"Don't worry, she's only a substitute!"

Deadpool casually threw the crowbar over his shoulder. "Okay, let's get started! Now to promote healthy exercise, I'm going to use a special Muggle wand!"

Deadpool bend over, and started rummage around in his gym bag, Ron leaned over to Harry.

" I didn't know Muggles had wands ..."

A sound filled the air that could only be described as demonic.

Harry's suspicions were proven correct, as Deadpool produced his wand - a large, revving chainsaw.

The hockey mask he was wearing over his normal mask wasn't helping.

"ARE WE MOTIVATED YET?"

Harry and Hermione were already running, moving at speeds that would have made their old P.E. Teachers fill with pride.

The rest of the class were starting to back off in fear from their new P.E. Teacher.

Ron was desperately trying to assert himself "You can't .. you ..."

"Ten fingers off Gryffindor!"

" ... don't you mean ... points?"

"You really walked into that one kid."

* * *

The headmaster's office afforded a wonderful view of the Quiddich field.

Professor Snape was utilising this view while the headmaster took tea.

"I'm a bit worried about this new teacher ..."

The distant figures of Potter and Granger were way in front of the pack, the bulk of the class behind them.

"… are all Muggles like this?"

"Just certain Americans."

Draco Malfoy was limping as fast as he could while the one called Deadpool was jogging behind, waving the chainsaw device around his head, his B-Grade movie villain laugh audible even from the office.

The unmistakable figure of Hagrid was lying on the field unconscious. Snape guessed that the crowbar next to his head had something to do with his physical state.

Dumbledore finished his cup. "You'll find he'll serve his purpose."

"Just out of curiosity - has anyone ever tested you for senility?"

Dumbledore gave a benign smile. "Many people ... _Once_."


	2. Chapter 2

They still had to wear these stupid uniforms, but they were inside for once, and comfortably sitting down in a heated auditorium.

However, Harry had no idea why Hogwarts of all places would be doing with a VCR and TV set-up. And from the look on Hermione's face, she didn't either.

Of course, this was the newly instituted P.E. programme, with the newly instituted P.E. Teacher.

Then again, maybe 'instituted' wasn't appropriate for their Mr. Wilson. Maybe 'press-ganged', or 'suckered into it'.

Hearing the heavy footsteps, Harry turned, to see their P.E. teacher stomping down the aisle. As he passed Harry, he seemed to be muttering …

"…should have checked the fine print…"

Their teacher looked over his class. Harry hoped that mounting sense of unease was paranoia on his part.

"Hey kids, guess who's been suckered into the sex-ed portion of your lives?"

Harry heard Hermione's pained moan, as he tried to hunch further into his chair, making himself invisible.

"Okay, let's wrap this up as quickly as possible. When a man ... and a … woman ... usually … love each other very much ..."

Deadpool paused to think.

"… or she's had too much to drink at a club and forgot to take her special 'magic pills' that day ..."

Harry glanced roofwards, praying that Wilson wouldn't single him out.

"… or the quality control guys at Trojan had a hangover that day ... ah, the hell with it."

Deadpool produced a videotape, slotting it neatly into the waiting VCR.

"Since the headmaster wouldn't shell out for Bea Arthur to come over here and help me give you a special demonstration, I personally selected some of these fine pieces of cinema for your viewing."

The TV flickered into life

What Harry and the rest of the class saw, accompanied by rather cheesy music, made them forget about blinking as they leaned backwards in shock.

"Yeah, I fast forwarded to the good bits. Now watch as this fine young woman ..."

"Oh my God!"

Hermione's complexion was turning white.

"No, you girls are supposed say that about ten minutes later, otherwise they know you're faking."

"That's _my auntie_!"

Everyone's head swivelled towards Hermione, who was holding her head in her hands in mortification.

Then back to the little screen.

"Oh yeah, I see the resemblance." Murmured Ron

Hermione made a choked noise from her hands before glaring at Ron. "She sent me a fruit basket for my birthday!"

"With that specific banana?"

Deadpool slid into the seat next to Hermione "Hundred points for you if you give me her phone number."

"Mr. Wilson!"

"Okay two hundred, but that's as high as I can go."

An agonised scream of pain and utter despair filled the auditorium, distracting everyone from the little dramatics.

Hermione slowly raised her head "What was _that_?"

Deadpool leaned back. "Oh, just Draco watching the movie I selected specially for him."

Harry knew he shouldn't ask. But he couldn't stop the words coming out of his mouth. "Which is?"

"I'll give you a hint … it's titled 'Fat, Fifty and Frisky'."


End file.
